And So It Begins...

Once upon a time, when I was in junior high, my family went on a vacation to Disney World around the holidays. We spent New Years there and from what I remember, it wasn’t a very warm trip to Florida like I had been anticipating. What I do remember about that trip, is pennies.

I remember tasting pennies. Walking through the park one evening with my family. And very quickly it occurred to me where I recognized that from. I had read a book once where a girl described tasting pennies just before throwing up, and it didn’t make any sense to me until that moment.

At that point, I realized I altogether didn’t feel well. I felt nauseas, and I was suddenly very aware of the amount of people making up the crowd that was engulfing me. I had never felt like that before, and to be honest, how it went away I can’t recall. I’m pretty sure I went in a building to try to get away from the crowd, but we likely left the park soon after and I don’t remember having another issue on the trip. Although, that doesn't say much as my memory isn't always as sharp as I'd like.

The story doesn’t end there though. When we got home from vacation and I went back to school in the new year, my mom dropped me off and I walked into that building and went straight for the girls’ bathroom. Immediately upon walking into the school, I felt like I was going to be sick. I went to the restroom, dry heaved a few times because I had nothing in me to throw up, and then called my mom to come back and get me. Weird thing is, I felt better when I got home... This went on for weeks, where I would either get to school and feel nauseous, or I would beg my parents to let me stay home from school because I felt so sick and was either vomiting or dry heaving. Every. Single. Morning.

After my family realized this wasn't going away on its own, we began the journey of trying to figure out what the heck was going on. I had various tests done like an upper GI and a scope where they put me out to stick a camera down my throat. Boy, was I a sight to see after waking up from childrens' anesthesia. Doctors tested me for allergies and lactose intollerence and looked for ulcers. But they couldn’t find anything. Throughout this time, medical staff would ask me questions about if I had friends at school, and if I was ever bullied, and if I got along with my teachers. My answers never gave any cause for concern though - I did have friends. I wasn’t being bullied. And I did get along with my teachers. But after they’d exhausted just about any physical cause or explanation, they landed on something that didn’t immediately make sense to me: social anxiety.

I didn’t feel “anxious”. I felt nauseous. I didn’t feel mentally nervous. I felt physically ill. But as it turns out, anxiety can look (and feel) different to everyone and mental struggles can cause physical impacts and show themselves in very tangible ways.

Luckily, we trusted this diagnosis and the practitioners worked with my family and I to start finding a solution. Over the years, I’ve tried an array of remedies and coping mechanisms - from therapy to medication to yoga & breath work, and I am still working on ways to manage my anxiety. I’ve come a long way and have learned a lot since then and I'm excited to share more about my journey here (and where I’m going from here) with you all! Stay tuned to hear more. :)

With love,

Haley